Reviewing
the Victim Triangle
My life often intersects with people who are experts
on developing drama. Whether it’s a stubbed toe or someone cut them off
in traffic, they pour themselves into each situation as if the event is
life-shattering. Relationship failures are the worst.
Yesterday I spent an hour on the phone with a
thirty-something woman discussing her recent break-up. Why did she call
me? Frankly, few living women have as much life experience in this area
as me. Before Husband entered my life I was busy.
We reviewed the “Victim Triangle” on the phone. It
was developed in the 1980’s when co-dependency first became a buzzword.
At the top of the triangle is the victim. This is the
person who feels helpless and sorry for him/herself. He blames others
for his problems. “If it weren’t for you I’d be happy.” “If you weren’t
such a loser, I’d have more children/education/money/cars/etc.”
In the bottom left position on the triangle is the
rescuer. S/He watches for people who are needy, then rescues that person
so they’ll feel good about themselves.
As the victim and rescuer act out these behaviors
they become more and more emotionally dependent on each other. They take
turns in the third position: the persecutor. People persecute with
abuse: physical, sexual, emotional, or anything else that hurts. It
might be the threat of leaving, withdrawal of financial support, violent
language or intimidation.
The persecutor always abuses the rescuer. Then the
rescuer feels like a victim. The persecutor feels pity for the victim,
and moves to rescue her. The victim resents the feeling of helplessness
and moves to persecute the rescuer. Around and around they go, always
moving from one position to another until the relationship becomes
toxic.
My phone consultation was interesting. She always
enters the triangle from the victim position, letting everyone in her
life know that she needs help. She’s unhappy, lonely, broke, sick, or
suffering in some way. The call goes out to friends, family, and also
her ex-boyfriend. Of course he drops everything and hurries to her side
so he can feel powerful.
Within minutes he begins telling her everything that
is wrong with her. Expecting comfort, she gets abuse. She retaliates and
persecutes, telling him what a rotten person he is. Usually these
interchanges become violent and result in law enforcement intervention.
They are so practiced at their roles that it usually takes less than an
hour.
Most of us visit the drama triangle sometimes.
I’m tired and feel like a martyr. Instead of just
asking for help, I enter the triangle from the victim position, set my
eyes on a rescuer (usually Husband) and instead of telling him what’s
going on, I find little passive-aggressive ways to persecute him. Maybe
it’s just closing the cupboard doors a little too loudly. Or refusing to
go to bed until everything is
done. Then when he offers assistance I snap because he really should
have rescued me hours earlier.
That’s a lie. I should have asked for help hours
earlier.
If the Victim Triangle resonates with you, remember
that it doesn’t represent God’s love and mercy. There is no Jesus in any
of the positions.
When someone you love tries to draw you into their
drama, take a little prayer time. If their need is really that urgent,
they can call 911 and get professional rescuers with professional
boundaries.
Refuse to exceed your resources helping others. Get
approval from healthy people who know and respect you. Release the need
to feel powerful by helping others. And when you need help, ask people
who won’t take advantage of you.
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